


how do you like them bananas

by knightinbrightfeathers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 5+1 Things, Avengers Tower, Bananas, Crack, Deaf Clint Barton, M/M, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, you can take my happy avengers family headcanons from my cold dead hands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 08:58:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8050159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightinbrightfeathers/pseuds/knightinbrightfeathers
Summary: Five times Bucky Barnes reacted poorly to bananas, and one time he took out his hatred on a deserving target.





	how do you like them bananas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rhien](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhien/gifts).



> This is dedicated to rhien, who wanted Bucky screaming about bananas at a Doombot. I more or less complied.  
> I don't think there's a person in the fandom who doesn't know about the Gros Michel banana dying out in America and being replaced by the relatively tasteless Cavendish banana, but if you don't, then I've just told you.

1.

The future is great. Steve knows that most people think he’s an old grandpa who can’t get a StarkPhone to work, but really, after he got over the initial culture shock, he found out that the future is amazing. They’ve got toilet paper that doesn’t scrape all his skin off, for one. And they’ve got much better healthcare. But best of all, he can hold Bucky’s hand in the supermarket and not get arrested for it.

Technically, he doesn’t need to go into the supermarket. He lives in Avengers Tower, where all his grocery shopping is done through Jarvis. But Bucky isn’t ready to move in with the Avengers yet, and he still gets overwhelmed sometimes.

“Look, Steve,” Bucky says. “Bananas.”

Steve’s head whips around so fast he almost gets whiplash. The bananas are lying innocently under the neon lighting, but Steve knows better. Those bananas are evil.

“How about we don’t get bananas, Buck?”

“You love bananas,” Bucky says, looking confused. “I remember that.”

Steve melts a little, but hardens his heart. “Not anymore.”

Bucky side-eyes him. “Is this a PR thing?”

Steve can’t explain. Modern bananas are just bad. They taste wrong, and they smell wrong, and the texture is weird.

“They look fine to me,” Bucky says. He weighs a couple in one hand. Steve goes a little cross-eyed.

“They’re not the same,” Steve says, in a last attempt to sway Bucky from this grave mistake.

“Nothing’s the same,” Bucky says, and bags the bananas, adding them to the shopping cart. They head to the cash register, where the girl behind the counter smiles at them, and load the groceries into the car.

“I’m hungry,” Bucky says. He takes one of the bananas with him to the passenger’s seat. Bucky recognizing hunger in himself and choosing food for himself is a good thing, so Steve doesn’t say a thing about the bananas.

Bucky peels the banana slowly. Very slowly. Then he puts the tip of the banana to his lips. Then he gives Steve a look while slowly, slowly pushing the banana into his mouth.

Steve swallows.

Bucky takes a bite.

Five minutes later, Steve calls them a cab.

“I’m really sorry,” Bucky says for the tenth time. “It’s just…”

“I know, Buck,” Steve says, wrapping an arm around Bucky’s shoulders. Behind him, the door on the right side of the car is lying mangled on the floor. Banana is splattered on the inside of the windshield. “It’s okay.”

“They’re evil,” Bucky says mournfully.

2.

“This is nice,” Steve says. “Isn’t it nice?”

“Yes, Steve,” Bucky says, rolling his eyes in Sam’s direction. “Very nice.”

“That’s nice,” Steve says nervously. He fidgets in his seat.

“Was he always like this?” Sam asks.

“Nah,” Bucky says. He sips his coffee. “He was worse back then. Worst moves ever. And with Peggy? Man, you should have seen him. I don’t even have the words.”

“Did he try to use one-upmanship to hit on her?” Sam asks drily.

Steve blushes. “I was being polite.”

“Uh huh, uh huh, sure you were, Captain Sassmerica,” Sam says.

Bucky sniggers.

“You guys are the worst,” Steve groans. He’s turned a bright, patriotic red.

“Have a muffin,” Sam says, patting him on the arm. “You too, James. They have really good muffins here.”

“Don’t mind if I do,” Bucky says. He grabs a muffin out of the paper bag in the middle of the table and takes a bite.

To Sam, it’s like watching a movie with a really abrupt jump cut. One moment Bucky’s sitting there frozen and the next the muffin’s flying through the air.

“Uh-” Sam says.

The expression on Bucky’s face is pure loathing.

“Steve?” Sam tries.

Steve’s already calming Bucky down. “It’s okay, Buck, it’s fine. What was it? Was it poison?”

Sam hopes it’s not poison. He likes this café.

“Bananas,” Bucky says.

“Yeah,” Sam says. “I got banana nut muffins. They’re usually really good.”

Bucky looks at him. “They’re all like that?”

“Yeah-”

Sam watches the rest of the muffins disappear into a nearby trashcan. “You know, I was really looking forward to those.”

Bucky closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “It’s okay, Sam. It’s not your fault that you have terrible taste in fruit. You can date Steve if you want.”

“I-what-” Steve splutters.

“Cool,” Sam says. “I was kinda thinking I could date both of you?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that yet,” Bucky says. “But eventually, I’d like that.”

Sam nods. “Good.”

“As long as there aren’t any bananas involved.”

3.

“We should get to know each other,” Tony says. Or mumbles, really. Most of his concentration is on the inside of Barnes’ arm, since Barnes complained that the super-special Stark modified bionic arm was making squeaky noises. Stark tech did not make squeaky noises. Unless it was supposed to make squeaky noises.

“Jarvis, does SI have any products that make squeaky noises?”

“No, sir. Although I believe that Product Development are working on a series of robotic children’s toys, one of which is a robotic mouse. I assume that when the product is finished, it will make the appropriate sounds.”

“We make children’s toys? Never mind, I don’t care. I was getting to know Buck Rogers here. Heh, that’s funny. Would you take Cap’s name if you got married?”

“No,” Bucky says. He looks a little nervous. “Could you maybe concentrate on fixing my arm?”

“First of all, I am a genius, so don’t tell me what to do. Second, stop wiggling around so much or I’ll end up accidentally giving your arm a vibrate setting.”

“Could you do that?”

“I could, but I am not going to, because I can only think of one use for that, and the idea of you and Cap having sexy times with one of my inventions is horrifying.”

“Stark Industries makes adult toys,” Bucky points out.

“Yeah, but I don’t design them, so I don’t care. You and Rogers can use Stark vibrators to your heart’s content.”

“Why do you keep talking about me and Steve?”

“That is an excellent question, my friend, and the answer is that I have a very complicated mind. Explaining my thought processes would take far too long.”

“No, I mean, why just me and Steve? It’s me and Steve and Sam.”

Tony straightens up and looks at Bucky. “I need a drink.”

“Pepper said not to let you have any alcohol, because you’d get drunk and give me a propeller or something.”

“Pepper is exaggerating. Besides, a propeller would be amazing.”

Bucky nods. “A jetpack would be better.”

“No jetpacks. Those are too close to my gimmick. You already have your depressing Soviet thing and the metal arm and the sad gay thing. And the death stare.” Tony removes the screwdriver from Bucky’s arm. “I’m getting that drink.”

“No-”

“I know, I know, no alcohol. Don’t worry, Red Menace, I’m getting a smoothie. You know what those are?”

Bucky shakes his head.

“It’s a healthy thing. Lots of vitamins. Good for your digestion.” Tony opens the mini fridge and takes out little containers of smoothie ingredients, all pre-chopped because he always forgets to wash his hands and apparently engine grease is bad for you. Whatever. He pours the smoothie into two glasses and takes them back to his work bench. “Here. Since I’m such a good host.”

Bucky takes one glass and sniffs it cautiously. “What’s in it?”

“Fruit. You had fruit back then, didn’t you?” Tony downs half a glass in one long pull.

“No,” Bucky says solemnly. “Fruit was invented in 1963.”

Tony salutes him with the smoothie glass. “That is some premium bullshit.”

Bucky grins. “Seriously, what’s in this?”

Tony waves a hand. “Green tea, blueberries, flaxseed, bananas-”

“No.”

“No?”

Bucky shakes his head. “No bananas.”

“Of course there are bananas, I added them myself.”

“No,” Bucky says.

“Is this an old people thing? Or a Russian thing? Or, like, did Hydra indoctrinate you against bananas or something?”

Bucky goes full Soviet Murder Face. “No bananas.”

“Fine, fine,” Tony says. He finishes his smoothie. “No more bananas. All gone.”

Bucky gets up and pours his smoothie down the sink.

Tony sighs. “You know what, I don’t care. Just come back here and let me fix your arm.”

Bucky sits back down. After a minute, he says, “I can smell them on your breath.”

“For fuck’s sake.”

4.

“What’s wrong with bananas?” Clint asks.

“Oh, no,” Bruce says.

“It’s okay, Doc,” Natasha says. She picks up the chessboard. “We can take this somewhere else.” They leave the Avengers common room.

“No, seriously,” Clint says. Natasha’s parting glare bounces off of him. “They’re full of potassium or some shit, right?”

“They taste horrible. The flavor is so bland. And the texture is just awful. They’re not creamy enough. And they’re too long. How the fuck did they make them longer?”

Clint looks around. Everyone else has left. He’s alone with Bucky Barnes on a fruit rant.

“You know, most people don’t complain if a banana is suddenly longer, if you know what…I…” Clint trails off.

“And,” Bucky adds, “you can’t see the seeds anymore. They did that with watermelons too. I don’t get it.”

Clint is pretty sure that bananas don’t grow from seeds, but he’s not going to say anything.

“And the smell! Don’t get me started on the smell. It’s all wrong. Bananas shouldn’t smell like that. I know most people don’t notice the smell, but if they did, they’d stop eating them.”

Clint turns his hearing aid off.

5.

“Now zat I’ve got Bucky Barnes in my grasp,” says the evil scientist, “unt ze Captain’s beautiful girlfriend, I vill lure him to my lair unt defeat him!” He leers at Natasha, mostly as punctuation.

Natasha rolls her eyes. It’s pretty much the only thing she can move, since she’s strapped to a table. To her left, Bucky is in the same position and still out from the much larger dose of knock-out gas he got. “I’m not his girlfriend. Honestly, don’t you ever watch the news? Go online? Read a gossip mag?”

“My mind iz far too sophisticated to be cluttered viz nonsense from gossip magazines,” the evil scientist says.

“And your accent is terrible. It’s driving me bananas. Did you copy it from old Captain America cartoons?”

“Zis iz my natural accent!”

“You’re bananas if you think I believe that.”

The evil scientist scowls at her. “I am Professor Primate, unt I vill reak havoc upon this city!”

“Professor, huh? Published a lot of academic articles, have you?”

“Zis iz unimportant!”

“And Primate? Seriously? Does that mean you have monkey DNA? Do you have a thing for bananas?”

“Nein,” Professor Primate grumbled. “But I haf ze trigger vords zat vill activate Barnes’ Hydra programming!”

“Sure you do,” Natasha says. “And no one’s ever tried using those before.”

“Eh?”

“You know, Professor, you’re not really cut out for a life of villainy. You probably just have really high blood pressure. I think you need some potassium. Have a banana.”

“Vat iz your thing viz bananas?”

“Oh, it’s not _my_ thing,” Natasha says happily. To her left, Bucky sits up, restraints detaching from the table with a twanging sound. “Banana, banana, banana.”

“I get it,” Bucky growls.

“Go bananas,” Natasha adds for good measure.

The Avengers arrive just in time to catch the tail end of Bucky’s rampage.

“What happened here?” Tony asks.

Natasha gives him a little smile. “Oh, you know. The usual.”

+

It’s a mission like any other.

“What the hell are these things?” Hawkeye says over the comms. “My arrows aren’t doing anything!”

“What, not even the boomerang arrows?” Black Widow asks.

“Nat!”

"Alas, I too have had very little success with these new foes," Thor says. "I fear I do not recognize them. They are not of any extraterrestrial species I am familiar with."

“Hulk smash,” Hulk says. He’s covered in goop.

“According to Jarvis,” Iron Man says, “they’re mutated Musa Acuminata, with a healthy blast of gamma. And by healthy, I mean the opposite. Probably crossed with some kind of-”

“What the fuck is a Moosa Acumata?” Captain America interrupts.

“It’s a banana,” Iron Man says.

All heads swivel in the Winter Soldier’s direction.

The Winter Soldier cracks his knuckles. “My time to shine.”


End file.
